just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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