Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
