Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
