HIV tests are more positive than that guy
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
