Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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