ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Randomize
