i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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