she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
