I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
