I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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