Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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