Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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