i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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