Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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