all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
wow bdsm is so cute
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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