I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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