just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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