My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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