the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
