I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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