Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
