Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
