My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
