I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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