if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
