there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
