I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
