My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
