sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
