He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My vagina is officially offended.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
