Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
pop tarts are not kleenex
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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