well you can't waste a boner
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
