we're blogging at a bar
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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