you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
