I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
