she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
50% drunk capacity currently
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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