Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize