Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
