I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
