I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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