Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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