People with herpes should wear stickers.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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