when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
