My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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