Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
