"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize