Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
