Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i think i have herpe
just one?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
