K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
