My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
