apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
