If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
