my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm like, not good at living.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
