You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
