to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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