you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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